Friday, March 23, 2012

When will I......

    With everything going on lately my most frequent question has been "When will I_____?" With the doctor, social situations, emotions, our relationship, and with moving forward. Some of them have had clear answers and others have not so definite answers. I wish there was a manual for this a way I would have been able to reassure myself that things will get better.
    In the beginning it was "When will I- stop feeling pregnant/be able to go back to work/resume my 'normal' routine/be able to go out in public?" I know that I was lucky enough to have had an easy time while I was pregnant except that I had just started to feel some soreness and there was an uncomfortable bump if I tried to lay on my stomach, but I also never had any symptoms of the miscarriage and after the procedure (except to the antibiotics). But I also didn't stop feeling nauseous, or sore, or the uncomfortable bump. Public was another story, fortunately I have an understanding boss who immediately gave me the entire next week off when she heard the news. I preferred being in our little bubble we had family here and if they were with me/us I could handle going out of the house. If it was me and Jim- forget it. I didn't want people to look at me or to run into people we knew who either had or hadn't heard (either way produces an awkwardness). I nearly had a nervous breakdown before returning to work. To return to work meant that it was so truly real and that it was over and I had so much trouble with the idea that I may be expected to be normal when I felt like my world had been upturned (again an understanding boss let me stick to office work my first week back). I made Jim do all the shopping for about the first four weeks. I have been to stores now but still prefer to go with Jim.
   Then there are the longer lasting ones "When will I not- cry every day/cry at every little thing/feel like a liar when I answer "Good" when people ask how I am?  The being back to work has been a roller coaster. Since I work with families and mostly in our homes I do work with families that are growing (one who is just two weeks ahead of me). Then there is the little boy at one of the daycares that comes up and says "Mommy can you hold this", before I would have beamed and thought about how age appropriate the comment was, this time felt like a stab. Songs on the radio and commercials about baby products can bring me to tears. I also feel like there was a sudden influx of pregnant people in this area and they all seem to be following me everywhere. I still cry about what I lost and how badly I wanted it but it is not every day anymore. This week at the chiropractor I even talked to the office assistant (who is pregnant, I told you EVERYWHERE) and didn't tear up when she talked about her baby. And for the first time Wednesday someone asked how I was and I answered "Good" with no underlying doubt. I am feeling better, I was worried for awhile about when it would feel okay to laugh or feel happy again. Early on when there was a joke or laugh it just didn't feel right, but later it happened without planning and it kind of felt like the first day you wake up after a long lingering cold. The last part of this week I have felt like me I was able to smile and enjoy things and try to perk others up again. I have been doing a lot of things for myself lately; going to the gym, reading books, watching my favorite shows, planning craft projects or trips. (It started with zumba classes actually).
   And the big one "When will I want to try again?". I do not know the answer to this one. We have heard all the stories the horror and the fairy tales. There are too many questions still unanswered for me right now and it still feels a bit scary to me. I do know that I want to have children and I am certain if we are able we will try again. It took me a long time to get over the idea that God let me lose a child, until I realized that God did not plan for me to lose a child but did plan for us to find out at a time when we would be able to be immediately surrounded by love and support. I also trust that God has a plan and he knows how much I want to be a mommy. I have also heard over and over from the miscarriage boards that when you are ready you KNOW.

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