Somebody is getting older today!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Happy Birthday Mr. Edbrooke
Friday, March 23, 2012
When will I......
With everything going on lately my most frequent question has been "When will I_____?" With the doctor, social situations, emotions, our relationship, and with moving forward. Some of them have had clear answers and others have not so definite answers. I wish there was a manual for this a way I would have been able to reassure myself that things will get better.
In the beginning it was "When will I- stop feeling pregnant/be able to go back to work/resume my 'normal' routine/be able to go out in public?" I know that I was lucky enough to have had an easy time while I was pregnant except that I had just started to feel some soreness and there was an uncomfortable bump if I tried to lay on my stomach, but I also never had any symptoms of the miscarriage and after the procedure (except to the antibiotics). But I also didn't stop feeling nauseous, or sore, or the uncomfortable bump. Public was another story, fortunately I have an understanding boss who immediately gave me the entire next week off when she heard the news. I preferred being in our little bubble we had family here and if they were with me/us I could handle going out of the house. If it was me and Jim- forget it. I didn't want people to look at me or to run into people we knew who either had or hadn't heard (either way produces an awkwardness). I nearly had a nervous breakdown before returning to work. To return to work meant that it was so truly real and that it was over and I had so much trouble with the idea that I may be expected to be normal when I felt like my world had been upturned (again an understanding boss let me stick to office work my first week back). I made Jim do all the shopping for about the first four weeks. I have been to stores now but still prefer to go with Jim.
Then there are the longer lasting ones "When will I not- cry every day/cry at every little thing/feel like a liar when I answer "Good" when people ask how I am? The being back to work has been a roller coaster. Since I work with families and mostly in our homes I do work with families that are growing (one who is just two weeks ahead of me). Then there is the little boy at one of the daycares that comes up and says "Mommy can you hold this", before I would have beamed and thought about how age appropriate the comment was, this time felt like a stab. Songs on the radio and commercials about baby products can bring me to tears. I also feel like there was a sudden influx of pregnant people in this area and they all seem to be following me everywhere. I still cry about what I lost and how badly I wanted it but it is not every day anymore. This week at the chiropractor I even talked to the office assistant (who is pregnant, I told you EVERYWHERE) and didn't tear up when she talked about her baby. And for the first time Wednesday someone asked how I was and I answered "Good" with no underlying doubt. I am feeling better, I was worried for awhile about when it would feel okay to laugh or feel happy again. Early on when there was a joke or laugh it just didn't feel right, but later it happened without planning and it kind of felt like the first day you wake up after a long lingering cold. The last part of this week I have felt like me I was able to smile and enjoy things and try to perk others up again. I have been doing a lot of things for myself lately; going to the gym, reading books, watching my favorite shows, planning craft projects or trips. (It started with zumba classes actually).
And the big one "When will I want to try again?". I do not know the answer to this one. We have heard all the stories the horror and the fairy tales. There are too many questions still unanswered for me right now and it still feels a bit scary to me. I do know that I want to have children and I am certain if we are able we will try again. It took me a long time to get over the idea that God let me lose a child, until I realized that God did not plan for me to lose a child but did plan for us to find out at a time when we would be able to be immediately surrounded by love and support. I also trust that God has a plan and he knows how much I want to be a mommy. I have also heard over and over from the miscarriage boards that when you are ready you KNOW.
In the beginning it was "When will I- stop feeling pregnant/be able to go back to work/resume my 'normal' routine/be able to go out in public?" I know that I was lucky enough to have had an easy time while I was pregnant except that I had just started to feel some soreness and there was an uncomfortable bump if I tried to lay on my stomach, but I also never had any symptoms of the miscarriage and after the procedure (except to the antibiotics). But I also didn't stop feeling nauseous, or sore, or the uncomfortable bump. Public was another story, fortunately I have an understanding boss who immediately gave me the entire next week off when she heard the news. I preferred being in our little bubble we had family here and if they were with me/us I could handle going out of the house. If it was me and Jim- forget it. I didn't want people to look at me or to run into people we knew who either had or hadn't heard (either way produces an awkwardness). I nearly had a nervous breakdown before returning to work. To return to work meant that it was so truly real and that it was over and I had so much trouble with the idea that I may be expected to be normal when I felt like my world had been upturned (again an understanding boss let me stick to office work my first week back). I made Jim do all the shopping for about the first four weeks. I have been to stores now but still prefer to go with Jim.
Then there are the longer lasting ones "When will I not- cry every day/cry at every little thing/feel like a liar when I answer "Good" when people ask how I am? The being back to work has been a roller coaster. Since I work with families and mostly in our homes I do work with families that are growing (one who is just two weeks ahead of me). Then there is the little boy at one of the daycares that comes up and says "Mommy can you hold this", before I would have beamed and thought about how age appropriate the comment was, this time felt like a stab. Songs on the radio and commercials about baby products can bring me to tears. I also feel like there was a sudden influx of pregnant people in this area and they all seem to be following me everywhere. I still cry about what I lost and how badly I wanted it but it is not every day anymore. This week at the chiropractor I even talked to the office assistant (who is pregnant, I told you EVERYWHERE) and didn't tear up when she talked about her baby. And for the first time Wednesday someone asked how I was and I answered "Good" with no underlying doubt. I am feeling better, I was worried for awhile about when it would feel okay to laugh or feel happy again. Early on when there was a joke or laugh it just didn't feel right, but later it happened without planning and it kind of felt like the first day you wake up after a long lingering cold. The last part of this week I have felt like me I was able to smile and enjoy things and try to perk others up again. I have been doing a lot of things for myself lately; going to the gym, reading books, watching my favorite shows, planning craft projects or trips. (It started with zumba classes actually).
And the big one "When will I want to try again?". I do not know the answer to this one. We have heard all the stories the horror and the fairy tales. There are too many questions still unanswered for me right now and it still feels a bit scary to me. I do know that I want to have children and I am certain if we are able we will try again. It took me a long time to get over the idea that God let me lose a child, until I realized that God did not plan for me to lose a child but did plan for us to find out at a time when we would be able to be immediately surrounded by love and support. I also trust that God has a plan and he knows how much I want to be a mommy. I have also heard over and over from the miscarriage boards that when you are ready you KNOW.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Goals Update
Six months are almost gone and it is time to evaluate how much I have done. With everything that has happened I am trying to keep myself busy. Being a big planning person, having my plans and timetable thrown off really messes with me (and also I needed something to plan).So I have thrown myself into planning and completing my 100 by 30 list.
6. Create a craft log. -I began going through my Martha Stewart Living magazines and taking out the pages of the projects and ideas I wanted to save. (In some issues it is most of the magazine) I need to buy plastic page sheets, a binder, and those tabs to organize the sections.
20. Start a campfire all by myself- I completed this on our recent camping trip and even started it with flint, newspaper and some lint.
35. Improve my posture- I have been going to the chiropractor and they will begin working with me this week to strengthen my muscles to improve alignment. I have been having a lot of neck and back pain as well as headaches recently. He did already suggest lying on my back 10 minutes each night (which is hard as I am a side sleeper), but I have been trying and at least lay and read my book on my back each night.
37. Go to the gym 3x/week for 1 month- I am 2 weeks in and going strong. I love the Zumba class. The instructor is so happy and fun.
43. Identify 25 things that make me completely happy-
1. Slow dancing with Jim in the living room/kitchen. I love the randomness of it and that he still twirls me around. (I still have trouble allowing him to lead though.)
2. Watching my parents be cute together. I am so blessed to have parents that are not only still together but who are very much in love. I have learned so much through the years about being a partner.
3. Looking for a book in the library. I know it is nerdy but I love being surrounded by books and I can take lots of them home at no charge. Also LOVE when the book is old, they have so much character.
48. No tennis shoes/ponytails/t-shirts for 1 week- 3/5-3/9 Yes a work week and workouts don't count. But this was made easier by a new haircut and a recent shopping trip with my mom.
74. Read 30 Books-
1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
2. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (and that completed that series for me)
3. Animal Farm- George Orwell
75. Try 36 new recipies-
3. Knock off Red Lobster chedder bay buscuits. Click here add a little extra garlic and a some extra cheese.
77. Learn 20 French phrases- I consider "knowing" them to be when I can use them without any reference.
1. Je m'appelle Lyndsey. (My name is Lyndsey)
I can also count to ten which may come in handy in other phrases later on.
6. Create a craft log. -I began going through my Martha Stewart Living magazines and taking out the pages of the projects and ideas I wanted to save. (In some issues it is most of the magazine) I need to buy plastic page sheets, a binder, and those tabs to organize the sections.
20. Start a campfire all by myself- I completed this on our recent camping trip and even started it with flint, newspaper and some lint.
35. Improve my posture- I have been going to the chiropractor and they will begin working with me this week to strengthen my muscles to improve alignment. I have been having a lot of neck and back pain as well as headaches recently. He did already suggest lying on my back 10 minutes each night (which is hard as I am a side sleeper), but I have been trying and at least lay and read my book on my back each night.
37. Go to the gym 3x/week for 1 month- I am 2 weeks in and going strong. I love the Zumba class. The instructor is so happy and fun.
43. Identify 25 things that make me completely happy-
1. Slow dancing with Jim in the living room/kitchen. I love the randomness of it and that he still twirls me around. (I still have trouble allowing him to lead though.)
2. Watching my parents be cute together. I am so blessed to have parents that are not only still together but who are very much in love. I have learned so much through the years about being a partner.
3. Looking for a book in the library. I know it is nerdy but I love being surrounded by books and I can take lots of them home at no charge. Also LOVE when the book is old, they have so much character.
48. No tennis shoes/ponytails/t-shirts for 1 week- 3/5-3/9 Yes a work week and workouts don't count. But this was made easier by a new haircut and a recent shopping trip with my mom.
74. Read 30 Books-
1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
2. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (and that completed that series for me)
3. Animal Farm- George Orwell
75. Try 36 new recipies-
3. Knock off Red Lobster chedder bay buscuits. Click here add a little extra garlic and a some extra cheese.
77. Learn 20 French phrases- I consider "knowing" them to be when I can use them without any reference.
1. Je m'appelle Lyndsey. (My name is Lyndsey)
I can also count to ten which may come in handy in other phrases later on.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Difficult One....
I have struggled and wondered if I should write/share this blog, I changed my mind several times over and wrestled with it being something so terribly personal and then feeling like I needed to share. Once we began communicating with the outside world again we were amazed at how many others had lost a baby as well and I feel it is important to let others know that they aren't alone.
Jim and I debated about the right timing of starting a family for awhile. We both knew we wanted children it was just a matter of waiting for things to line up, and then the time just came that we realized "what are we waiting for?" And then it happened and we finally saw those two pink lines! It was a little hard to believe as I had very few symptoms. I cannot even explain the complete happiness and relief I felt when we saw that little heart beating on the ultrasound in our tiny bean. I was relieved too that I seemed to be gliding right through the first three months with some nausea and my only food aversions were super sweet sugary foods and ground beef (I actually craved fruit). Jim was the worry-wart and would have had me in a hamster ball if he could have and was constantly telling me what I should/should not be doing/eating. Then it was time for our second and 11 week appointment. The doctor let us know that all the tests from our first appointment came back perfectly and she found Baby E's heartbeat with ease and it was still going right along at a healthy 170 beats per minute. The doctor even gave us the green light to plan a camping trip and eased some of Jim's fears. Again I was in complete bliss of how wonderfully things were going.
On Friday February 17th I had a bit of a racing heartbeat (like when you have too much caffeine) and my mom and Jim convinced me to call the OB who I was sure would tell me to just take the rest of the day and relax. Instead they suggested I go to the ER just to be sure... still I was confident in Baby E's health just worried I would be labeled with high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. My EKG's came back normal and the ER staff was very upbeat and casual and seemed to have no concerns. After several tests the nurse came in with a doppler to check fetal heart tones just in case before releasing me. She was unable to find them but let us know it wasn't her specialty as it wasn't something they had to do all the time, she went to get another nurse who also couldn't find them but explained that their doppler was not as sophisticated as the one the OB doctor had and left to get the ultrasound. Still I sat confident and waited eagerly as this meant we would get an extra chance to see Baby E as something more than a bean. And we did, for a few moments we saw the profile of a perfect little baby before it seemed all we could see was the top of Baby E's head. The nurse commented that he (we were sure Baby E was a boy) flipped, which seemed reasonable with someone poking at him with an ultrasound wand. She brought the doctor in to try to get back to a profile view of Baby E and with much poking and prodding he was unable to view more than the top of Baby E's head. Then he said that it was not good that Baby E was not moving and that "sometimes these things happen" I felt like someone had jerked the world out from under me. I barely heard him say that maybe Baby E was sleeping and he would like me to have a better ultrasound done in radiology. The radiologist began looking at Baby E and taking measurements, she was able to see a profile and I clearly saw our perfect little baby being perfectly still and began to cry. Later the doctor again explained that "these things happen" and "nature sometimes knows the child would have had a disability" but I was prepared for that, I know all too well the likelihood of having a child with a disability and had concerns but knew it was something that we could handle and that we would be a family just the same (after all I see happy families every day). I just couldn't wrap my mind around the truth and just wanted to go home.
The weekend seemed to take forever. Fortunately we had family visiting and it kept our minds busy and allowed us a break from the constant thinking. We did a lot of crying and wondering just what happened. Had we really heard Baby E's heart beat at the 11 week appointment? Had I done something in the past week? Maybe it was that one time that (insert anything here). The doctor reassured us that she could see that Baby E had made it to 12 weeks and that Baby E appeared to have developed normally up to that point. She did discuss with us that we would need to have some testing done after my hormones returned to normal to check for several things it is not common to lose a baby after the 12 week mark. The worst moments for me were going into surgery and coming out of surgery, it was the only time that I knew they were going to take my baby away and that my baby was really gone that Jim could not be by my side.
In the four weeks since we found out I have had many moments or days where I am sad, angry, or confused. Tuesdays are the hardest since those are the days I was technically into the next week and I always think I would have been 14/15/16 weeks and of course I had read ahead in the What to Expect book and can recall exactly what I should have been expecting. I am sad when I see my not growing tummy. I worry that testing will find something and I worry that it will find nothing. I am jealous of those who have perfect first pregnancies and realize that I will never again know that blissful and trusting "My body is amazing, and can create another human" feeling without the deep fear that something will go wrong. I am angry that this happened to us. I am not sure what comes next. For the first time in a very long time I do not know what to plan for. I trust that there will be better days (even Tuesdays) in the future and that we will have beautiful and healthy children one day.
Jim and I debated about the right timing of starting a family for awhile. We both knew we wanted children it was just a matter of waiting for things to line up, and then the time just came that we realized "what are we waiting for?" And then it happened and we finally saw those two pink lines! It was a little hard to believe as I had very few symptoms. I cannot even explain the complete happiness and relief I felt when we saw that little heart beating on the ultrasound in our tiny bean. I was relieved too that I seemed to be gliding right through the first three months with some nausea and my only food aversions were super sweet sugary foods and ground beef (I actually craved fruit). Jim was the worry-wart and would have had me in a hamster ball if he could have and was constantly telling me what I should/should not be doing/eating. Then it was time for our second and 11 week appointment. The doctor let us know that all the tests from our first appointment came back perfectly and she found Baby E's heartbeat with ease and it was still going right along at a healthy 170 beats per minute. The doctor even gave us the green light to plan a camping trip and eased some of Jim's fears. Again I was in complete bliss of how wonderfully things were going.
On Friday February 17th I had a bit of a racing heartbeat (like when you have too much caffeine) and my mom and Jim convinced me to call the OB who I was sure would tell me to just take the rest of the day and relax. Instead they suggested I go to the ER just to be sure... still I was confident in Baby E's health just worried I would be labeled with high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. My EKG's came back normal and the ER staff was very upbeat and casual and seemed to have no concerns. After several tests the nurse came in with a doppler to check fetal heart tones just in case before releasing me. She was unable to find them but let us know it wasn't her specialty as it wasn't something they had to do all the time, she went to get another nurse who also couldn't find them but explained that their doppler was not as sophisticated as the one the OB doctor had and left to get the ultrasound. Still I sat confident and waited eagerly as this meant we would get an extra chance to see Baby E as something more than a bean. And we did, for a few moments we saw the profile of a perfect little baby before it seemed all we could see was the top of Baby E's head. The nurse commented that he (we were sure Baby E was a boy) flipped, which seemed reasonable with someone poking at him with an ultrasound wand. She brought the doctor in to try to get back to a profile view of Baby E and with much poking and prodding he was unable to view more than the top of Baby E's head. Then he said that it was not good that Baby E was not moving and that "sometimes these things happen" I felt like someone had jerked the world out from under me. I barely heard him say that maybe Baby E was sleeping and he would like me to have a better ultrasound done in radiology. The radiologist began looking at Baby E and taking measurements, she was able to see a profile and I clearly saw our perfect little baby being perfectly still and began to cry. Later the doctor again explained that "these things happen" and "nature sometimes knows the child would have had a disability" but I was prepared for that, I know all too well the likelihood of having a child with a disability and had concerns but knew it was something that we could handle and that we would be a family just the same (after all I see happy families every day). I just couldn't wrap my mind around the truth and just wanted to go home.
The weekend seemed to take forever. Fortunately we had family visiting and it kept our minds busy and allowed us a break from the constant thinking. We did a lot of crying and wondering just what happened. Had we really heard Baby E's heart beat at the 11 week appointment? Had I done something in the past week? Maybe it was that one time that (insert anything here). The doctor reassured us that she could see that Baby E had made it to 12 weeks and that Baby E appeared to have developed normally up to that point. She did discuss with us that we would need to have some testing done after my hormones returned to normal to check for several things it is not common to lose a baby after the 12 week mark. The worst moments for me were going into surgery and coming out of surgery, it was the only time that I knew they were going to take my baby away and that my baby was really gone that Jim could not be by my side.
In the four weeks since we found out I have had many moments or days where I am sad, angry, or confused. Tuesdays are the hardest since those are the days I was technically into the next week and I always think I would have been 14/15/16 weeks and of course I had read ahead in the What to Expect book and can recall exactly what I should have been expecting. I am sad when I see my not growing tummy. I worry that testing will find something and I worry that it will find nothing. I am jealous of those who have perfect first pregnancies and realize that I will never again know that blissful and trusting "My body is amazing, and can create another human" feeling without the deep fear that something will go wrong. I am angry that this happened to us. I am not sure what comes next. For the first time in a very long time I do not know what to plan for. I trust that there will be better days (even Tuesdays) in the future and that we will have beautiful and healthy children one day.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Camping Trip
Jim and I took a much needed camping trip to our favorite place (Santee State Park) this past weekend. Recently we have been wanting to get away and just have nothing to do and relax. We have been camping there two times before. We loved the site we got so much last Spring that we made sure to book a site in the figure 8 loop again this time.
Our site prior set up.
And the view from our site. We like being on the side nearest the lake, and then we set up our tent so when we wake up we open our door to a beautiful view. Fortunately we got there and got the tent set up completed just as it started to sprinkle some rain, we took the opportunity to take a nap.
After the rain stopped I accomplished one of my 100 by 30 goals as well as making the traditional hobo pie camping dinner and of course a s'more for dessert.
I started this fire from scratch (and with flint not a lighter)!
We enjoyed a walk down by the lake and took in a breathtaking sunset. I only wish that cameras could capture it exactly as we saw it. The water was actually sparkling light blue near the shore. During this time we also noticed an animal darting back and forth several times before we realized it was a cat.
As we have already been to Santee State Park we already had our favorite fishing/reading spot picked out. There were a few more people than we were used to and one very big alligator who was guarding the second fishing spot. Between the alligator and what we assume was a big bunch of (young and loud) Boy Scouts (and one very loud female leader) fishing did not turn out as well as we had hoped.
But it was still sunny, warm, and beautiful to look at.
Oh and we also realized that I do not have the stomach for the stinky garlic bait stuff even when I am not pregnant (although it did not disagree with me quite as violently).
We decided to go for a ride and checked out the neighboring town Elloree before heading back to our campsite. We were especially glad we choose to be on "the loop" after hearing the large, noisy group of children earlier, the four near us had fun at a reasonable noise volume (although we assume the others were influenced by the mob mentality and mass amounts of sugar).
Due to the time change I actually slept in the second morning and due to the cold weather I laid curled in my sleeping bag even longer affording Jim some extra sleep time.
This is the view on the other side of our campsite (seriously love "the loop").
And a bit closer
As we were leaving we saw this little herd of deer grazing on some plants in the woods.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
At the Boardwalk
This morning with it being sunny and decently warm Jim and I went for a walk on the Boardwalk in MB. It is really starting to clean the area up, one of the older hotels was knocked down not long ago and is making way for a new ocean front eatery. There is also a plan for a new park and some street changes that will be happening soon.
Ahhh the ocean.
Notice the checkerboard pattern.
It was nice to be able to enjoy a walk at the beach and not get sand in my shoes. Not a bad start to the weekend if you ask me.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
100 by 30 Goals Update
I have been moving a bit slower than I had hoped with my goals, but here is where I'm at...
12. Dress up and go on a date with Jim- We went to see Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center while we were in D.C.
19. Be able to identify 2 constellations (besides the dippers)(1/2)- I am able to clearly identify Orion from our porch but haven't had much luck with any others.... it is a little harder with all the street lights around here.
40. Go to 10 Festivals (1/10)- Jim and I went to the Greek festival in September.
51. Visit 10 Museums (4/10)- While in D.C. Jim and I went to American History, Natural History, Smithsonian Castle, Air and Space
53. Take multivitamin every day for 1 month- I am taking prenatal vitamins and that counts.
65. Go to Brookgreen Gardens- I went to the Nights of a Thousand Lights display in December with my friend Jessica. (I highly suggest going to this it is only at Christmas and is so beautiful).
75. Try 36 new recipes (2/36)- I made an apple pie, and some sort of casserole...but for the life of me I can't remember anything except that we liked it. :(
94. Increase my "library" (I aspire to have one as great as Thomas Jefferson) by 10 books. (5/10)
98. Have fresh flowers 6x (1/6)
12. Dress up and go on a date with Jim- We went to see Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center while we were in D.C.
19. Be able to identify 2 constellations (besides the dippers)(1/2)- I am able to clearly identify Orion from our porch but haven't had much luck with any others.... it is a little harder with all the street lights around here.
40. Go to 10 Festivals (1/10)- Jim and I went to the Greek festival in September.
51. Visit 10 Museums (4/10)- While in D.C. Jim and I went to American History, Natural History, Smithsonian Castle, Air and Space
53. Take multivitamin every day for 1 month- I am taking prenatal vitamins and that counts.
65. Go to Brookgreen Gardens- I went to the Nights of a Thousand Lights display in December with my friend Jessica. (I highly suggest going to this it is only at Christmas and is so beautiful).
75. Try 36 new recipes (2/36)- I made an apple pie, and some sort of casserole...but for the life of me I can't remember anything except that we liked it. :(
94. Increase my "library" (I aspire to have one as great as Thomas Jefferson) by 10 books. (5/10)
98. Have fresh flowers 6x (1/6)
99.Stop and cuddle with husband when he asks 1x/week.
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